Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

A few weeks ago at the Women’s Night at my church we heard a message about using our voice and giving our testimony. Last week I shared a testimony with you that casted me in a very favorable light. This week, I’m going to share a testimony with you that is different. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but here it goes.

I am divorced. I’m not proud of it. I’m not ashamed of it. It is just a fact. I’m not going to get into the details of my divorce except to say that it left me very separated from God, my family and friends. I tried so hard to hide what was happening in my marriage that I had to keep everyone at arms length.

After my divorce I was raising a 1 year old, a 3 year old and a 4 year old child. I was in an important position at my job too so I had a lot of pressure and responsibility. My entire life consisted of work and my boys. I was tired, lonely and a little depressed. I really didn’t have any friends back then. I had kept everyone so far away that I had isolated myself. My family was wonderful and very supportive but I still felt very alone.

After a few years I slowly started meeting people in my neighborhood and I learned to let other people help me so I could have a little free time to myself. But then I started craving more. I wanted more friends. I wanted more attention. I wanted to find a mate and it became my focus. I started going to clubs and online dating. I was determined to find a man to be a part of my life.

I put that desire in front of God, in front of my kids and in front of my career. I was reckless. I was having fun but it was an empty fun that left me still searching to fill that hole in my heart. I was going to church at that time but what happened at church stayed at church. I wasn’t acting like a Christian when I left the building.

A friend invited me to go with her to a different church one Sunday. We got there late and we had 5 kids with us so we ended up sitting in the overflow room. My friend was not impressed. But all I could think about was, “how can I get into the main room?”

I loved the singing and the worship and I wanted to be in the middle of it. So I returned the next Sunday and we sat in the main room. Wow! I was so overwhelmed with the presence of the Holy Spirit. I was hooked.

I kept returning, not just because of the music but because I was being fed. I was engaged with the message each time I went and I started leaning in to God. I wanted to be there and I wanted to learn more. Then one Sunday something happened. I was convicted by what the pastor said and inside I changed. I wanted to look on the outside how I felt on the inside. I wanted others to see the difference in me. I wanted there to be no doubt in anyone’s mind that I loved Jesus. When other people looked at me, I wanted them to see a little bit of Jesus.

So I started to change my behavior. It didn’t happen over night. It happened over a few years. But it happened. I changed my priorities. I changed where my focus was. I changed how I dressed. I changed the music I was listening too. I began to seek Him and I found Him. That is a promise from God. Jeremiah 29:13 says, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

So did that desire to find a mate just go away? No. Not at first. But I prayed about it. I asked Jesus to help me through it and He did. During worship at church one Sunday I kept hearing in my heart “let me be enough”. So I opened my heart and let Him in and I said YES! Jesus is enough for me.

Today I have JOY. Not happiness, because happiness comes and goes. I have a joy in knowing that Jesus is my Lord and savior. This year when I was looking for a Christmas present for myself, (come on moms, I know you do it too) because no way my 3 teenage boys were going to know what I wanted, a ring came up on the screen. The ring says, “I Am Enough”. Now some people might think that means that I, Debra, am enough. But that is not what it makes me think about. It reminds me of when I let Jesus into my heart and allowed him to be enough for me. I wear it often and with pride.

Jesus, thank you for being so patient with me while I found my way back to you. Thank you for walking by my side and being ready for me when I finally surrendered to you. Amen.